DivorceBond – 4 Ways To Revive Your Relationship and When It Is Time To Contemplate Divorce

So much relationship advice tells men and women not to settle for someone unless they fulfill a long list of demands. For men, these range from, “opens every door you walk through, pulls you close in public and kisses your forehead, sends you flowers to your office, just because…” And men should wait for women who won’t “overanalyze everything you say, who always put enough effort into keeping things fresh in the bedroom,” and so on.

While these articles have a broad appeal—and even have some truth to them—I think they miss the point. They tell you to wait for certain externalities instead of choosing a partner based on their core compatibility and character—the foundation of any relationship. If the foundation is strong, the desired externalities will naturally appear.

At the same time, people today are often too quick to give up on a relationship and get divorced. Maintaining a healthy relationship takes a lot of hard work and introspection. However, sometimes there are clear signs which tell us that it may be the only solution. This is why we created the DivorceBond app (more about this later).

Let’s first go back to the basics.

The Greek Stoic philosopher Epictetus said, People are disturbed, not by things (that happen to them), but by the principles and opinions which they form concerning (those) things. When we are hindered, or disturbed, or grieved, let us never attribute it to others, but to ourselves; that is, to our own principles and opinions.

Albert Ellis, who developed Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, reiterates this concept of perception and opinions and explains that “how” people react to events is determined largely by their “view” of the events, not the events themselves.

Why is this important when it comes to relationships? Well, all those external acts and feelings that take place or should take place in a relationship at the core depend on our perceptions of, and beliefs about, the person and relationships in general.

In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Steven Covey talks about an emotional bank account. Like a financial bank account, we make deposits into it and build up a reserve from which we can make withdrawals when we need to. When the trust account is high, communication is easy, instant, and effective.

But if the emotional bank account is overdrawn, the trust level gets very low, flexibility dissipates, and I must be very careful about everything I say. Comments like, “but you did the same thing last week” are another way of saying, “you’re overdrawn.” Eventually, neither person is performing those external acts that are so cherished in the beginning of a relationship. The bank account is simply overdrawn. The relationship may further deteriorate to one of hostility and defensiveness. Eventually, it can lead to a closing of the account—a breakup or divorce.

Covey speaks about major emotional deposits we can make to avoid the depletion of those reserves that keep us giving and receiving the external proofs of the intimacy we all crave. Here are four that stand out to me and how perception plays a crucial role in each one of them:

1. Make a constant effort to understand your partner.

Seeking to understand another person is probably one of the most important deposits you can make, and it’s the key to every other deposit.

2. Clarify expectations.

The cause of almost all relationship difficulties is rooted in conflicting or ambiguous expectations and perceptions about roles and goals.

3. Apologize sincerely when you make a withdrawal.

It takes a great deal of character strength to apologize quickly out of one’s heart rather than out of pity.

4. Love for the sake of it.

When you make deposits of unconditional love without strings, you help your partner feel secure, safe, validated and affirmed in their essential worth, identity, and integrity.

Relationship advice should be focusing more on character strength and perceptions—disputing irrational beliefs and developing rational views. Without deep-seated, healthy, reciprocal perceptions and communication, none of those attitudes or respectful gestures or presents will last very long.

But sometimes it may be time to call it quits. While there’s no magic answer for when to get a divorce, there are some signs that may make it the only choice.

Are you feeling that you would be better off alone and your needs are not being met? Kids are not enough of a reason to stay together. An unhappy home can often lead to very unstable children with deep-seated issues.

Counselling is necessary for problematic relationships and if after trying, things are not improving and you feel like you are doing it alone, it is a sure sign that the relationship is not working and the emotional bank account is bankrupt.

We created the DivorceBond app (divorcebond.com) to make connecting with like-minded people who have divorced already, going through a divorce or contemplating divorce simpler. It is a very challenging time in your life and it is amazing that there isn’t a truly effective app for connecting people in the same situation. DivorceBond makes it easy to be upfront about your status and connect through experiences and live events.

Part of the article was written by David Zulberg on mindbodygreen.com

About DivorceBond

DivorceBond is a unique platform that creates a way to connect and meet people that share your life experiences.
We understand that divorce doesn’t just happen, it’s a process and a journey of many stages. There is no need to pretend the situation doesn’t exist or omit information about yourself. Whether you are contemplating a divorce, currently mediating, or divorced already – you should be proud and empower yourself. DivorceBond makes divorce dating and friendships easy, exciting and helpful.
Connect through your shared interests, favorite experiences, nationality, and live events.
The app is simple to use and intuitive.
Don’t read about someone else’s experience, create and share your own through DivorceBond!